How do I say goodbye?

Where do I begin to say goodbye? How do I go without saying goodbye and leaving them to think I am coming back in 2 months. It's hitting me like a ton of bricks now that I have just over a week left with my family, I know it's not forever but I also know that if I tell them before I go it will crush them. I am still stuck and would love someone to just give me an opinion. ughhh why is it so complicated?

Less than 2 weeks

Holy, Where has it gone? I am trying to contain my excitement about leaving to live in Georgia, It's working so far. AHHHHHH I am soo excited wow. I cannot wait to go buy all new summer clothes and sandles. To finally be able to curl up on the couch and watch a movie in Charlies arms again, To have Nolan,Charlie and I do family things again |EEEk it's going to be great again. As you can clearly tell it's sooo not working. Nolan is getting excited too, he knows when we get there we are going to the Georgia Aquarium to see the whale sharks and daddy. Let the count down begin!!

Time speeding by!

Time is speeding by, I have this weekend and next weekend with my family then Saturday the 2nd we fly out. Where did the time go? I still have not bought all the boxes I need to ship Nolans toys and my clothes, I still have to go to donate a ton of stuff! As it gets closer I find myself becoming more and more calm about leaving, though you would think it would be opposite seeing as I have told no one but Mel and mentioned it to my Grandma. I think I am just getting really excited to finally live with Charlie again and be the family that we once were. I have been looking at things to do and have made a list of stuff, kind of like a bucket list but a bucket list for the rest of the year. I want to go to the Georgia aquarium, eat alligator and snake, have turtle soup, go to the ocean, buy a German Sheppard, hopefully go to school while there or at least take a course on something, and try to get a job at a tattoo parlor and become an apprentice. Those are the things I would like to accomplish before 2011 is over.

Yesterday I had to go pick out my frames for glasses at the mall, I had them growing up but when I went to the eye doc last he said my eyes were fine. So 5 years later I am back at the eye doc and shes telling me I need them again! The same prescription that I had, It makes me wonder if I needed them all along. But anyway I picked out these super cute black and purple Ray-Bans, I love them, finally for the first time ever I found a pair that I actually love and not just like. If I was a little more blog smart I would post a pick of them but |I have no idea on how to do that so.

While in the mall we saw a reptile zoo that was there for march break. Nolan got so excited to see the stuff, The staff let him touch an alligator, and 2 snakes he was over the moon with excitement. He kept telling my grandmother about the snakes and that he touched them it was too cute. 

Ordered a super cool watch today off the internet, it's the type where you can see the gears moving and such. I am so stoked for it, my last watch I fell in love with was a Timex iron man, I love it so much every time it died or I broke it, I would buy the same one. But I finally found a super nice looking one. I also bought a bracelet and pendent. the bracelet is a basic one that I can put charms on and the pendent is a mickey mouse silhouette, with a black smaller silhouette on top of that with swarovski crystals in that.

I think I am revealing stress by shopping eeek what a horrible idea!!
Well that concludes this blog entry!!

Packing

Well I started packing my stuff today, I will be shipping the boxes later this week. I didn't think it would sneek up on us so fast, it seemed like so long when we first made the plans. So we spoke to the lawyer today he said it will take about 8 months to get the green card, And that we should apply for a fiancee visa and it could make it go faster. It's not like we have not talked about getting married before we just couldn't find the time, I told Charlie if he goes and makes some huge deal asking me to marry him I will tell him no. I am not the kind of person who deals well with being put on the spot in public, unless it's for comedic reasons. I still have not told most of my family, I spoke to my grandmother about it and I did tell her but it crushed her, she said she was going to have to space herself from us because it hurt her to much, I couldn't deal with that so I told her the next day that I was just going for 2 months and then would decide. I know it was really wrong of me to do that to her and it will most likely make it harder but I need to spend as much time with her and my uncle as possible before we leave.

I looked at phone plans today WTF is with Sprint and no IPhone? I have to go with Sprint as I am being put on Charlies parents company phone plan, But common who doesn't carry the IPhone it's the best one out there. I don't care for the android phones and that's all they seem to have, they don't even carry good BlackBerrys. All the phones I looked at have ether no flash for the camera, or are just ridiculously ugly and not practical for me. I think I am going to go with the HTC EVO 4G I don't like it but it seems to be the only good one they offer.

common sense?

So today when talking about moving, I saw tears come to the strongest man I knows eyes. He is the most relaxed person, most calm easy going person that you could ever meet, He's my Uncle. As the time to move comes closer I am somewhat questioning my decision to go, I am even going to pay my rent until July that way if I change my mind Nolan and I still have a place to come back to. Charlie and I have had a rough couple years, his sponsorship got denied, he got deported from Canada, He became a person I didn't know. We got in a huge fight and when I decided to leave to get away from the arguing he freaked and jumped on my back to take the phone from me so I couldn't call anyone, to go stay there. I called the police he was charged and got probation. He has definitely changed he's a lot more relaxed, and calm I assume it's due to the lack of stress. But I cannot stop wondering what if we just cannot get along? What if we have no connection living together? It has been a year April since we lived together. I don't know if this is stress and my anxiety talking or common sense? How do I know if this is right? what if I make the wrong decision it affects Nolan too not just me.

Questions going unanswered

So I think I found a new home for the cats, my mom oh so kindly left at my house when I was away.  I am hoping that the people come through as I don't want to just drop them off at a shelter. Today Nolan decided he was going to try and make his own food, he got into everything. So I saw my friend Melanie today, She has been with me through a lot in my life and I think her and Jodi will be the ones I have the hardest time saying goodbye to out of my friends. She has a young son who is 3 weeks older than Nolan, He is so cute and Nolan loves playing with him. It's weird to think that i only have less than a month left in Canada, I have told Charlie that I will be coming back this coming Christmas so my family can spend it with Nolan, Seeing as his family got to spend this Christmas with him.

I still cannot fathom not being able to walk or take the bus over to my grandmas and spend the day with them laughing, or call her to make up some story so we can go out and just shop together. I will miss my cottage and the long drives up there with my uncle, the heart to hearts we have and the laughter we share. Going down the driveway singing at the top of my lungs so I don't get eaten by a bear, or going across the road with him and shitting my pants at every little noise in the bush. Looking at the pictures of the animals that came to the feeder for the corn, It's the little things that I totally took for granted that I am going to miss the most. 

Watching how Nolan grows up and bonds with Sam and Georgia their dogs, I cannot bond with them I tried it hurts to much and makes me think of Finster and Rama, they were the most amazing dogs I ever knew. I still cannot look at a German Sheppard with out getting teary eyed. 

When Nolan and I go to walk into a Walmart, Nolan is going to expect to see my grandpa waiting their to give him a sticker as he greets us. I don't think I could have gotten any more blessed than what I am when it comes to my family, everything that I have been through with them has made me stronger and a way better person.

I am going to pay 2 extra months of rent just so that if I cannot deal with living in Georgia, I still have a house to call my own. I want to be happy and have a proper family I don't want Nolans father living in a different country.
But if it makes me miserable I am stuck on what the proper solution would be. Do I just put on a brave face? Do I come running home to the people I love and the people who have always been there for me? Do I just suck it up and look at it as it's probably better for Nolan in the long run? So many questions and I cannot ask the people who I care about the most for help on the answers as they don't want me to move.

I am a winter person not a fan of the heat at all I am the person who stays in all summer and comes out to play in the winter. There is no winter in Georgia, I am sorry but Christmas is not Christmas with out snow. I am going to bake and possibly wither up dehydrated due to the crazy ass heat. OHHHHHHH what to do?

Funny things Nolan does

I made ceaser salad tonight and told him to get the stinky feet cheese, He proceeded to grad the chedder and step on it then pick it up and sniff it, with a crinkled up nose looks at me and says EWWWWW GWOSSS.
His hamster bit him the other day it drew blood but was nothing serious, But now when you ask him where Ruby is he will tell you she bites and show you his finger.  He makes me laugh on a daily basis with the stuff he says and does he is quite the comedian and knows it. We were watching Lady and the Tramp yesterday, He got all bent out of shape because the dogs were fighting, He got up and yelled No Biting, Enough stop it, Stop biting. It was adorable! I hinted to my grandma today about moving there I think she knows but doesn't want to admit she does, We had a good talk about it though it kind of opened my eyes to a few things.

Slacking

I have kind of slacked on posting these last few days. Life has been quite hectic my son is in the Terrible Twos and they are terrible, he's into everything!! I am finding it so hard to discipline him, Don't get me wrong I will set boundaries but he's just so cute and sweet, Sometimes I have to do a double take to really know its my sweet little boy doing all this. So today I called the internet and phone company to tell them I would like to cancel the service for April 2nd, They tried to charge me cancellation fees when they don't offer the companies services in the U.S. But if I move to some random place waaaay up north where I am still in Canada but cannot connect with the services then they will wave the cancellation fees. Come on really you want me to pay because you guys don't offer service in another country that's not my fault!!!! I have come to the conclusion I am going to melt and half die of heat when I move to Georgia, I can bairly deal with Canada in the summer, I AM a winter person. I love the snow and everything you get to do tobogganing, Skiing, Skating, Snow angels, Making snowmen when ever you want. It's endless the amount of stuff you can do I will miss being able to do those things on a drop of a hat. Someday I think if only I could split myself in half and be both places, I could have it all it would be perfect.

Today was a much better day, I didn't stress as much about the next few months. Nolan helped me peel hard boiled eggs today, I think he ate more than he peeled but hey he's a growing little boy. I still have not found a new home for the two cats my mom dropped off when I was down south. The poor things just want to be loved and have a good home, I wish I could just bring them with me so they don't have to feel rejected by me as well. It must have been hard enough coming to this strange place.  My grandmother is watching Nolan this weekend and he is so excited when we wake up he asks for Amma, When I tell him she's at work he asks for Uncle Ray and I tell him the same that he is at work, Nolan actually huffs at me and furrows his eyebrows. He got this toy fishing rod for Christmas this year, He has found a new way to play with it by letting the line out and running around so the one cat chases him. There is so much excitement in his eyes that sometimes I wanna close mine and not look cause it makes my heart swell and I feel as though it could explode with love.

Well that's enough this morning I shall be back tomorrow

Trying not to think

Today was a small step for me I finally told my one friend, She was quite surprised and asked me why I would leave my family and friends as they are my support system. I had no answer only that I want my son to know his father. I am going to see my sister I think I am going to try and figure out a way to muster up the courage and tell her, Hopefully she takes it a bit better. I can't stop worrying about the what if's, what if we just don't connect it will have been 4 months since seeing each other, What if, What if, What if? I know I cannot base it on the what if's but man when one come fifty more follow. I pray I am making the right decision because if not and I come back I have to start from the bottom again and work my way up, I pray my family doesn't hate me and can forgive me for leaving, It's not like I will never talk to them again or see them again. I have been exceptionally blessed to have some of the most amazing family members any one could ever ask for! One day at a time cause for me and living in Canada it's running out so i better hurry up and figure this out.